To depend, I Dont Want To

I hate depending on people. 23 years of my life there is always the need for me to depend on someone and i hate it ! I want to be dependent and trust me I've tried and im still trying but its just not working. One minute i'll be free and the next im needing support. This sucks !!! The situation i get myself into makes me depend on people especially my brother, although he doesn't complain I know im a pain in the ass when he complains about how he has to go through some problems/changes that is obviously because of me and i get so guilty for doing it. And since last year with my loan fund being exhausted i added a worry to his list worries hmphh... and of course to lessen the burden i only took 2 subjects to one subject per semester which lead me into extending another two semester which means i'll only be done by April next year *excluding my thesis, which i would only be done middle of next year* instead of finishing this semester if i didn't screw up my loan fund last year. I feel so miserable to think that most of my friend are done and will be done and moving on with their lives *and not depending on people* while i cover up & complete what my stupidity has caused. 

I wish I could make things better again *time machine to borrow anyone ?* but im helpless, i cant even help myself so hopefully things get better. Holding on to the saying that time gets better *when it actually doesn't* I'll be optimistic and just stuff myself with food and pretend everything is fine :)

Strength ? Where'd You go ?

Sometimes we keep hoping things would get better, and when it don't we just give up. This is what i have been doing and someone I feel the same as i did before, nothing has changed. I still feel useless and i still have to face so many heartsick and brain-sick things. So acknowledging your problems and not doing so still ends up the same. So what am i suppose to do now ? I tried changing things and things don't work out after so much of trying and when i think its time to go with flow and just give up for a while things still don't change so WHAT DO I DO ???

There is always the never ending money problems that gets thrown at my face every time someone brings up the financial situation in the family since im the big cause of it. I know it was my stupidity to get my much needed loan exhausted last year but I wasn't stupid to do it on purpose and of course the elders never believed that. The think i purposely failed and purposely want to stay and study and rot in that stinking college i hate so much. Every time i look at my brother for fathers face when I ask them money for my fees a part of literally dies, thinking about how they would need to get the money for me. I know they're okay with it but it doesn't make it easier for me knowing that they're working hard or losing something to get the money. I just want to tell them i quit but i cant. I promised myself to take care of my father and pay my brother & uncle back for so willingly giving me the money when i needed it. So that's exactly what im going to do, though it wont be soon since i cant take more then 2 subjects per semester so its gonna take a while but i'll get there.... eventually.