Pre-New Phase

Done with finals, now I'm dedicating my time to my first half of  thesis and looking for a good internship to do. Man ! internships are actually had to find for psychology majors..well okay this is a know fact but you know i just needed to whine about it.
Psychology majors usually end up in the HR, Research, Marketing or in some sort of education and training area based on a data entry survey I did in college so I wasn't really expecting very good options for me since my working experience is limited. Since I do have experience in the education and training area so I have decided to pick internships that's based on that and maybe checkout a few HR internships since i do have experience in that area as well. I'm gonna need to brush up my resume first and then get a lil reading on some of those area of interest.

What I found a little frustrating is that transporting my butt to the workplace is gonna be an issue which means have to limit my workplace option to places that's accessible my public transport or somewhere around the area I live at cause then i could drive. I'm still do not have the confidence in driving anywhere out of my area's radius without someone with driving experience accompanying me. I mean I have driven out if seri kembangan to like Kajang, Tj Malim or even Klang but my dad was beside me and so i wasn't worried but driving but on my own ?? noopee i don't think so. In addition to that i don't think my brothers gonna let me drive on my own out Seri Kembangan not cause of his concern for me but for his car so this is kind of a big issue.

I lost my chances on going for a part time job actually, just for a month or so at an education based company but its located at Subang which is super far from where im staying. I could take public transport but I don't think i could reach there on time even if i take the first train from the nearest station at my area. Quite disappointing since I could have probably gained so much from there but I had no choice but to let it go very very very sadly.

I guess I need to somehow get myself to drive out on my own... or maybe i'll just wait till i can get my own car... yeah i like that idea better ;) The fact im driving someone else's car and probably wrecking it is enough to bring down my confidence but if it was my car the chance of me getting so worked up would be lesser...God i sound so stupid..bye

My Snow Princess

She is so beautiful. She's suppose to have long fur that falls nicely from the top part of the body but her previous owner had to trim them off since the climate here is too hot, cant wait for it to grow back, it would definitely make her prettier

This was also taken on the first day she was brought back, look how comfy she looked lying on my elder brother *excuse the man boobs*

This was taken when she was actually busy admiring her self in the spare mirror i had in my room she did this right after she did the same thing in the dressing table mirror on the opposite side of the room. She actually does take a few moment to stare at her reflection everytime he come into my room. I'm trying to capture a clear picture of her doing it but she moves too fast for the camera to capture her.

She's doing quite okay i guess, shes playing and being all cheeky and so super  "manja". She isnt eating so well though, we tried feeding her stuff the previous owner has been feeding her but she doesn't eat, but she has a habit of wanting what we eat, and she eats up whatever we give her, is a bad habit but fr now there isn't any choice cause that's the only way to get her to eat. I've been spending like an hour or so daily *owner mentioned she apparently eats 3 times a day previously* trying to feed her, she eats a little of whatever i feed her then quits eating to go bark and sniff at random things in the house.Hoping she gives up this picky behavior. 

Ugh...life

Ugh feel like i haven't been free for like a gazillion years *drama queen* been so busy that there was barely time for anything, studying and working at the same time definitely sucks ! its just part time to get me some moneh & experience i need to get better job options in the future but its so tiring. Thank God I've finished my assigned job period now its finals and thesis and a few job interviews i may possibly want to attempt once my finals ends.

Got nothing much that's new to update cause like i what i was whining earlier I've basically been lifeless. Got my licences and i have started driving to only near destinations and so far its been an awful experience, dear lord the traffic, the squeeze-your-car-in-if-you-dare parking spots the reckless bikers and drivers is so horrible, i cannot believe i was all excited to drive before this.

Got a new puppy too, this is a good news, i have a lil cuddlepuff to baby and keep me accompanied. My brother adopted her from a family whom are moving out of the country and has no where to put her since they cant take her along so we officially got her a few days ago, she's still getting used to the new environment and new people so she a Lil less hyper than she was at her old home but apparently has become quite attached to my brother. The deal here is that within a week if she doesn't adapt well to us then she has to go back to her old family so I'm hoping she would be okay cause i kinda like her....too much actually hehe

I also got  into being a finalist at a college competition out of 200 students, proudest moment ever but i don't get any acknowledgement just extra credit for a subject of my choice but it felt nice to have me and my group in the top 20 and have our name broadcasted. Felt smart for once till we actually had to go agaisnt other groups in the top 20. We had to compete against 5 groups, but here is where i felt stupid cause my group and the other 3 groups  lost to a very-smart-lord-knows-where-they-get-their-brains-from group of students. I had my mouth open most of the time that they were presenting and answering the questions being thrown at them. I was definitely awed.

Now the sad thing this week would be that the students of my batch are having their graduation ceremony and some posted the picture taken during the ceremony got me a lil sad actually no got me real sad because i wasn't there. I know i cant do anything about it cause if i had the money i would have been done with college last year and would be with them graduating, but sadly my financial situation decided i shouldn't graduate and that i should just stay in college.
I was complaining to a few of my group-mates about how much i wanted to graduate and never comeback to college again and they found that i was being quite silly. You see there are many students like them that were from 2 to 3 intakes before me and still haven't graduated or even close too and apparently im still in the fast phase and i was listening to this thinking ermm i've been here for 3 years and that's not normal for me, thats me proving to my family and everyone else that im dumb and useless and in addition to that I still find it so hard to accept that many of my batch mates are off into a different phase and I'm still stuck here and looking at the ceremony pictures just made it worse. Well no point complaining, "no money, no talk" but hell I'm still proud of all my friends cause i know how much they all had to endure to get where they are, and trust me i salute them for it. Brothers graduation is coming soon too, i don't know if i could be happy for him or just roll on the floor while crying my eyes out cause there is definitely gonna be lotsa comparing going on.

No chances of giving up cause I know giving right now is not gonna happen when i have several responsibilities assigned *yes assigned* to me already that's needs to be take care off a.s.a.p so all i can do now is not give up and do my best *horrible moto*

Positivity come to mamah !

Its a new year and I'm feeling great surprisingly, I'm not gonna be a whinny ass baby in this post because i feel good. Apparently a few positive things that has happened to me can make me feel less useless and grumpy all the time. The positive things would be my driving license which I've been worried sick for but i passed fortunately and also my final exam results

which i was restless and so super worried because i had 2 subjects that i felt i did badly but apparently i didn't or maybe the lecturer felt really bad for my stupidity and gave me a better grade instead of flunking me which ever it is I'm super grateful for it and for once I'm actually super happy with my results.

And these small amount of achievement has made my days better ! I don't stare at the wall and ceiling
cursing myself and my luck anymore...actually
for now, i don't know what else is in store for
me which might put me back in that phase again.

Another thing that I have no idea whether i should be happy or not is that my brother is buying a car and
is expecting me to drive it when i have classes.
I would be happy with this is only because i don't have to depend on him to send me and picking me up every time i need to go out the bad thing is I panic really fast which is super bad when it comes to driving and the area i live in gets jammed up during peak hours which can lead me into spending an hour or so to get home since my classes all start in the morning and ends the same time working hours ends. And lastly parking. I'm not allowed to drive anywhere other than the train station which is where i have to park the car to take the train to my classes. The parking lots provided by the train station is packed, which means id have to leave my home my 6.30am to get there earlier to get a parking lot. My classes starts around 11 the earliest so what the hell am i suppose to do from 6.30 to 9am ? See my problem... Well all i can do now is to see what happens when i start driving 

Guess who got her driving license ??

Well I have two good news..for myself actually but im still gonna share with you because I can. So the first good news is that i have survived 2013 without jumping off a cliff  *happy new year by the way* and second I've obtained my driving license ! I'm pretty proud of my self since I've been screwing things up alot and pretty much disappointing my d

ad and brother as well, so at least i got this right. Although I had i had to take the JPJ testing twice im glad i passed it the second round, perfectly. I do have to thank my dad for having so much patience in me, teaching and guiding me without yelling at me like some parents I've witness doing to their kids. I love my dad !

The beginning of the process of obtaining my driving license was easy, all i had to do was sit for a super boring 5 hour theoretical course and then take the theoretical test that required alot of reading and memorizing and then when that was done I officially got my L (learners permit) .After that i was required to attend an 8 hour practical session broken up into two hours per day which  required me to learn how to drive on the road as well as learning the techniques of driving up a hill (bukit), side reverse parking and enter parking (tiga penjuru). I had problems here  because after learning i had to return back to kl for college and then when i came back to take the P(trial driving license) testing i forgot half of what i had learned and plus the stress and anxiety level on that day i manage to flunk it. I actually forgot the technique to do the enter parking and when on the road I didn't realize there was a traffic light ahead and i just drove past it when it was read which happens to be a big no no and a big FAIL and so that's how i flunked my first practical testing. After that my dad had me attend another lesson for practice right before the day i took the testing for the second time so i don't forget anything *again i love my dad!* The key to passing the testing is actually to just remember the techniques the driving instructor has taught. They tell you exactly how many times you need to turn the steering wheel to reverse into the box, and then which mark we should be aware off before making a turn or how much pressure you should put on the gas pedal when your going to go down the hill so the car doesn't go back and that was it, I just had to remember the techniques and i passed the first half of the testing perfectly even with the high levels of anxiety and nervousness.

Since the day i went had over a 100 people, my turn happened to be the 3rd session so it took more then 5 hours for my turn to come so i had alot of time to relax and calm myself down and mingle around with people I've made friends. When my turn for the road testing came it was already 4pm *was there at 8am* and i was a little tired and restless for the long wait. When it was my turn to enter the car I got all nervous back again. Imaging sitting with a stern JPJ officer in a tiny car, judging you, and i sitting there trying to not sweat like a pig so my hands don't slip when im turning the steering wheel but it was all good once i was on the road, the officer wasn't mean she was nice and that made me relaxed, i drove well and scored 17/20 which was more than enough for me. And there you have it, I then jumped like and idiot and headed to the counter to verify the documents,collected my documents and ID and I skipped and semi ran wile calling my dad and talked his ear off till i reached home. So in a weeks time i'll get my official P, and sadly in two years time i'll get my Competent drivers license so until then i need to be a very good girl and not hit into anything and lose my P.

When will things get better

Semester break has started, yet i still feel stressed up, worrying about my pending license, results, financial situation and of course im stressed up about feeling stressed up. I'm suppose to be having fun instead here i am behaving like a pathetic sulky kid. Its so hard to forget things and just have fun, i honestly don't know how some of my friends are capable of doing it because I could never forget my problems easily, maybe for a few hours or so but eventually i go back to worrying. Of course when i tell people about being so mopey they tell me things have already been done, so you cant go back but can only look forward and hope for the best, i then don't feel mopey anymore but i'll feel like smacking the shit outta them because whatever their saying isn't helping its only gets me annoyed so im forced to listen or change the subject.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that, i have been feeling like something bad is going to happen, i cant explain why or what it is but its just this feeling of uneasiness that's got me so worried as well*and no its not gas problems *. Im hoping its just me being paranoid and its nothing serious, but it creeps me out, especially when the thought suddenly hits me at random times sort of reminding me something is about to happen but then again bad things often happen to me but i definitely do not want to find out the cause of my uneasiness.

Anyhoo, coming semester would be final semester, cant wait to get it over with and im done with all my subjects except for my thesis which i will be doing whilst working part time someplace where i would have to beg and kiss someone's ass *figuratively* to get one since i have a crappy gpa & lack of job experience so finger crossed when the time comes i'll be able to get a good job.

Here's to a diffrent thinking

Today I had a video presentation on the philosophy of death to compensate for missing a class activity which got me a big fat zero over 20 for my participation marks...well that and that I was too shy to open my month and say anything in class to contribute more to that marks...and after an hour of class my mind just wanders off to another place so I don’t know what to ask. So back to the video presentation. I had to do a recording on my voice on the philosophy of death and got some pretty awesome pictures from Google to make my slides better. Once i was done I sent it to my friend to get her opinion and that didn't go well when it didn't play in my friends laptop, which I intended to use since my lap top doesn't have a battery I’d need to plug it in everywhere I go, so using hers would make it all easier. So after spending 4 days completing the slides and voice recording into a pretty video this shitty thing happened so like usual I panicked tried to find another solution which I didn't get so I just lugged my heavy ancient lap top to the lecturers’ office and thank god she kindly let me use her plug point, actually she also plugged it in for me without making me feel like a moron like I already felt.

I was having a real bad year to some things up, my  luck was shit so of course things were pretty bad for me sometimes and I guess it never go better. To list down the crappy things that has happen o this year would take another year to list *just saying* so when I got to my lecturers office I was pretty much all wound up, worried about whether I got my philosophies right or did I do what she expected me do and of course the nervousness of her looking at my video and awkwardly hearing my voice in a tiny room with 4 people in it wasn't helping me feel better at all. Turned out she loved my video because I did what she expected * apparently she mentioned certain criteria in one of the classes of how she expected a philosophical explanation to be like but I missed it yet I still did it without knowing this* and that got me the highest grade, and i got praises claps and yay’s so there i was blushing away.  I was so happy but it didn't end there cause then  i then had to do a defense on a topic she covered in class to prove that I was paying attention to her lectures even though I didn't open my  mouth in class to ask stuff. And since I planned on not doing the defense, it was impromptu, I had to figure something out and so I decided on the Meaning of Life because I remembered some points from it. But it didn't turn out good cause I got emotional and I started crying that I basically had a mini counselling session with her.

Yes I cried! Why? Cause I was going through so many bad things with shitty luck that while I was explaining this to her I started tearing up. I felt embarrassed one because there were two other people there that witnessed me being a cry baby until she told them to step outside awhile so that I can speak freely. I never went for counselling I only did it on people *practice* but never been to one so this was my first and I basically bawled in front of her explaining my shitty life I was going through and of course she was too kind, she listened to me and said things that meant a lot to me, gave me encouragement and told me that based  on what she heard in video, my voice, is strong person’s voice and that’s a voice of a confident women an d then she added if I ever needed to speak to someone that she would always be here for me to speak to. Boy oh boy I felt like I released the heaviest part of me out, and it felt good. So this is why I would advice, no I ENCOURAGE that people, if you have problems don’t keep it in find someone supportive and tell to out or seek count selling service it is a great help. I never thought that I would end up being counselled that I would only be counselling people but I guess I have a different mind set now.