When will things get better

Semester break has started, yet i still feel stressed up, worrying about my pending license, results, financial situation and of course im stressed up about feeling stressed up. I'm suppose to be having fun instead here i am behaving like a pathetic sulky kid. Its so hard to forget things and just have fun, i honestly don't know how some of my friends are capable of doing it because I could never forget my problems easily, maybe for a few hours or so but eventually i go back to worrying. Of course when i tell people about being so mopey they tell me things have already been done, so you cant go back but can only look forward and hope for the best, i then don't feel mopey anymore but i'll feel like smacking the shit outta them because whatever their saying isn't helping its only gets me annoyed so im forced to listen or change the subject.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that, i have been feeling like something bad is going to happen, i cant explain why or what it is but its just this feeling of uneasiness that's got me so worried as well*and no its not gas problems *. Im hoping its just me being paranoid and its nothing serious, but it creeps me out, especially when the thought suddenly hits me at random times sort of reminding me something is about to happen but then again bad things often happen to me but i definitely do not want to find out the cause of my uneasiness.

Anyhoo, coming semester would be final semester, cant wait to get it over with and im done with all my subjects except for my thesis which i will be doing whilst working part time someplace where i would have to beg and kiss someone's ass *figuratively* to get one since i have a crappy gpa & lack of job experience so finger crossed when the time comes i'll be able to get a good job.

Here's to a diffrent thinking

Today I had a video presentation on the philosophy of death to compensate for missing a class activity which got me a big fat zero over 20 for my participation marks...well that and that I was too shy to open my month and say anything in class to contribute more to that marks...and after an hour of class my mind just wanders off to another place so I don’t know what to ask. So back to the video presentation. I had to do a recording on my voice on the philosophy of death and got some pretty awesome pictures from Google to make my slides better. Once i was done I sent it to my friend to get her opinion and that didn't go well when it didn't play in my friends laptop, which I intended to use since my lap top doesn't have a battery I’d need to plug it in everywhere I go, so using hers would make it all easier. So after spending 4 days completing the slides and voice recording into a pretty video this shitty thing happened so like usual I panicked tried to find another solution which I didn't get so I just lugged my heavy ancient lap top to the lecturers’ office and thank god she kindly let me use her plug point, actually she also plugged it in for me without making me feel like a moron like I already felt.

I was having a real bad year to some things up, my  luck was shit so of course things were pretty bad for me sometimes and I guess it never go better. To list down the crappy things that has happen o this year would take another year to list *just saying* so when I got to my lecturers office I was pretty much all wound up, worried about whether I got my philosophies right or did I do what she expected me do and of course the nervousness of her looking at my video and awkwardly hearing my voice in a tiny room with 4 people in it wasn't helping me feel better at all. Turned out she loved my video because I did what she expected * apparently she mentioned certain criteria in one of the classes of how she expected a philosophical explanation to be like but I missed it yet I still did it without knowing this* and that got me the highest grade, and i got praises claps and yay’s so there i was blushing away.  I was so happy but it didn't end there cause then  i then had to do a defense on a topic she covered in class to prove that I was paying attention to her lectures even though I didn't open my  mouth in class to ask stuff. And since I planned on not doing the defense, it was impromptu, I had to figure something out and so I decided on the Meaning of Life because I remembered some points from it. But it didn't turn out good cause I got emotional and I started crying that I basically had a mini counselling session with her.

Yes I cried! Why? Cause I was going through so many bad things with shitty luck that while I was explaining this to her I started tearing up. I felt embarrassed one because there were two other people there that witnessed me being a cry baby until she told them to step outside awhile so that I can speak freely. I never went for counselling I only did it on people *practice* but never been to one so this was my first and I basically bawled in front of her explaining my shitty life I was going through and of course she was too kind, she listened to me and said things that meant a lot to me, gave me encouragement and told me that based  on what she heard in video, my voice, is strong person’s voice and that’s a voice of a confident women an d then she added if I ever needed to speak to someone that she would always be here for me to speak to. Boy oh boy I felt like I released the heaviest part of me out, and it felt good. So this is why I would advice, no I ENCOURAGE that people, if you have problems don’t keep it in find someone supportive and tell to out or seek count selling service it is a great help. I never thought that I would end up being counselled that I would only be counselling people but I guess I have a different mind set now.

To depend, I Dont Want To

I hate depending on people. 23 years of my life there is always the need for me to depend on someone and i hate it ! I want to be dependent and trust me I've tried and im still trying but its just not working. One minute i'll be free and the next im needing support. This sucks !!! The situation i get myself into makes me depend on people especially my brother, although he doesn't complain I know im a pain in the ass when he complains about how he has to go through some problems/changes that is obviously because of me and i get so guilty for doing it. And since last year with my loan fund being exhausted i added a worry to his list worries hmphh... and of course to lessen the burden i only took 2 subjects to one subject per semester which lead me into extending another two semester which means i'll only be done by April next year *excluding my thesis, which i would only be done middle of next year* instead of finishing this semester if i didn't screw up my loan fund last year. I feel so miserable to think that most of my friend are done and will be done and moving on with their lives *and not depending on people* while i cover up & complete what my stupidity has caused. 

I wish I could make things better again *time machine to borrow anyone ?* but im helpless, i cant even help myself so hopefully things get better. Holding on to the saying that time gets better *when it actually doesn't* I'll be optimistic and just stuff myself with food and pretend everything is fine :)

Strength ? Where'd You go ?

Sometimes we keep hoping things would get better, and when it don't we just give up. This is what i have been doing and someone I feel the same as i did before, nothing has changed. I still feel useless and i still have to face so many heartsick and brain-sick things. So acknowledging your problems and not doing so still ends up the same. So what am i suppose to do now ? I tried changing things and things don't work out after so much of trying and when i think its time to go with flow and just give up for a while things still don't change so WHAT DO I DO ???

There is always the never ending money problems that gets thrown at my face every time someone brings up the financial situation in the family since im the big cause of it. I know it was my stupidity to get my much needed loan exhausted last year but I wasn't stupid to do it on purpose and of course the elders never believed that. The think i purposely failed and purposely want to stay and study and rot in that stinking college i hate so much. Every time i look at my brother for fathers face when I ask them money for my fees a part of literally dies, thinking about how they would need to get the money for me. I know they're okay with it but it doesn't make it easier for me knowing that they're working hard or losing something to get the money. I just want to tell them i quit but i cant. I promised myself to take care of my father and pay my brother & uncle back for so willingly giving me the money when i needed it. So that's exactly what im going to do, though it wont be soon since i cant take more then 2 subjects per semester so its gonna take a while but i'll get there.... eventually.

Peace...is all i want

Day by day, I feel like giving up. I just want to but there is just so much stopping me but encouraging me to give up as well. I don’t know how to balance that out yet but I hope I will. Nothing is getting better. Everything seems to be bad or getting worse. Sometimes I see that tiny light of hope and the next second it’s gone. It like I’m not meant to have a problem free time, and I’m so sick of it. I worry so much that I put myself under pressure and the best part off all is I have to act like nothing is wrong and it’s getting harder and I don’t know how long I’m going to have to pretend that everything is perfect or everything is going to be alright when deep down I know nothing is going to change. I’m still going to go through the same problems in college, the same problems with my parents & other relationships and the same personal problems that never seem to end and I’m so tied. I’m tired of thinking about my family and worrying about them constantly, I’m so worried about my financial situation with my Dad’s retirement, I’m so worried about my disgusting results, whether or  to anyone would want to hire me with such ridiculous results and so much more.

All I want to do is just run. Running away is never the answer but what if it is for me? I just need to get away from everyone and just be on my own, and to leave behind all those worries that’s constantly running through my mind 24/7. But of course running away means I need a load of money which obviously I don’t have so maybe this is why running is not my answer.

I would just want one day...just one day to let myself let go of everything and just empty my thoughts.....

Guess that’s never going to happen too....Life definitely sucks ...

The Indian Minority in Malaysia by Vinay Lal

This article was written by Vinay Lal, Vinay La Wiki. A professor at UCLA and an author as well. This article basically explains about the Malaysian Indians  though it was written in 2006, I still think its a very good article that my fellow Indians should read also keep in mind when your reading this that this honorable man is not a Malaysian

http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/southasia/Diaspora/IndiansMalaysia.pdf