Positivity come to mamah !

Its a new year and I'm feeling great surprisingly, I'm not gonna be a whinny ass baby in this post because i feel good. Apparently a few positive things that has happened to me can make me feel less useless and grumpy all the time. The positive things would be my driving license which I've been worried sick for but i passed fortunately and also my final exam results

which i was restless and so super worried because i had 2 subjects that i felt i did badly but apparently i didn't or maybe the lecturer felt really bad for my stupidity and gave me a better grade instead of flunking me which ever it is I'm super grateful for it and for once I'm actually super happy with my results.

And these small amount of achievement has made my days better ! I don't stare at the wall and ceiling
cursing myself and my luck anymore...actually
for now, i don't know what else is in store for
me which might put me back in that phase again.

Another thing that I have no idea whether i should be happy or not is that my brother is buying a car and
is expecting me to drive it when i have classes.
I would be happy with this is only because i don't have to depend on him to send me and picking me up every time i need to go out the bad thing is I panic really fast which is super bad when it comes to driving and the area i live in gets jammed up during peak hours which can lead me into spending an hour or so to get home since my classes all start in the morning and ends the same time working hours ends. And lastly parking. I'm not allowed to drive anywhere other than the train station which is where i have to park the car to take the train to my classes. The parking lots provided by the train station is packed, which means id have to leave my home my 6.30am to get there earlier to get a parking lot. My classes starts around 11 the earliest so what the hell am i suppose to do from 6.30 to 9am ? See my problem... Well all i can do now is to see what happens when i start driving 

Guess who got her driving license ??

Well I have two good news..for myself actually but im still gonna share with you because I can. So the first good news is that i have survived 2013 without jumping off a cliff  *happy new year by the way* and second I've obtained my driving license ! I'm pretty proud of my self since I've been screwing things up alot and pretty much disappointing my d

ad and brother as well, so at least i got this right. Although I had i had to take the JPJ testing twice im glad i passed it the second round, perfectly. I do have to thank my dad for having so much patience in me, teaching and guiding me without yelling at me like some parents I've witness doing to their kids. I love my dad !

The beginning of the process of obtaining my driving license was easy, all i had to do was sit for a super boring 5 hour theoretical course and then take the theoretical test that required alot of reading and memorizing and then when that was done I officially got my L (learners permit) .After that i was required to attend an 8 hour practical session broken up into two hours per day which  required me to learn how to drive on the road as well as learning the techniques of driving up a hill (bukit), side reverse parking and enter parking (tiga penjuru). I had problems here  because after learning i had to return back to kl for college and then when i came back to take the P(trial driving license) testing i forgot half of what i had learned and plus the stress and anxiety level on that day i manage to flunk it. I actually forgot the technique to do the enter parking and when on the road I didn't realize there was a traffic light ahead and i just drove past it when it was read which happens to be a big no no and a big FAIL and so that's how i flunked my first practical testing. After that my dad had me attend another lesson for practice right before the day i took the testing for the second time so i don't forget anything *again i love my dad!* The key to passing the testing is actually to just remember the techniques the driving instructor has taught. They tell you exactly how many times you need to turn the steering wheel to reverse into the box, and then which mark we should be aware off before making a turn or how much pressure you should put on the gas pedal when your going to go down the hill so the car doesn't go back and that was it, I just had to remember the techniques and i passed the first half of the testing perfectly even with the high levels of anxiety and nervousness.

Since the day i went had over a 100 people, my turn happened to be the 3rd session so it took more then 5 hours for my turn to come so i had alot of time to relax and calm myself down and mingle around with people I've made friends. When my turn for the road testing came it was already 4pm *was there at 8am* and i was a little tired and restless for the long wait. When it was my turn to enter the car I got all nervous back again. Imaging sitting with a stern JPJ officer in a tiny car, judging you, and i sitting there trying to not sweat like a pig so my hands don't slip when im turning the steering wheel but it was all good once i was on the road, the officer wasn't mean she was nice and that made me relaxed, i drove well and scored 17/20 which was more than enough for me. And there you have it, I then jumped like and idiot and headed to the counter to verify the documents,collected my documents and ID and I skipped and semi ran wile calling my dad and talked his ear off till i reached home. So in a weeks time i'll get my official P, and sadly in two years time i'll get my Competent drivers license so until then i need to be a very good girl and not hit into anything and lose my P.

When will things get better

Semester break has started, yet i still feel stressed up, worrying about my pending license, results, financial situation and of course im stressed up about feeling stressed up. I'm suppose to be having fun instead here i am behaving like a pathetic sulky kid. Its so hard to forget things and just have fun, i honestly don't know how some of my friends are capable of doing it because I could never forget my problems easily, maybe for a few hours or so but eventually i go back to worrying. Of course when i tell people about being so mopey they tell me things have already been done, so you cant go back but can only look forward and hope for the best, i then don't feel mopey anymore but i'll feel like smacking the shit outta them because whatever their saying isn't helping its only gets me annoyed so im forced to listen or change the subject.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that, i have been feeling like something bad is going to happen, i cant explain why or what it is but its just this feeling of uneasiness that's got me so worried as well*and no its not gas problems *. Im hoping its just me being paranoid and its nothing serious, but it creeps me out, especially when the thought suddenly hits me at random times sort of reminding me something is about to happen but then again bad things often happen to me but i definitely do not want to find out the cause of my uneasiness.

Anyhoo, coming semester would be final semester, cant wait to get it over with and im done with all my subjects except for my thesis which i will be doing whilst working part time someplace where i would have to beg and kiss someone's ass *figuratively* to get one since i have a crappy gpa & lack of job experience so finger crossed when the time comes i'll be able to get a good job.

Here's to a diffrent thinking

Today I had a video presentation on the philosophy of death to compensate for missing a class activity which got me a big fat zero over 20 for my participation marks...well that and that I was too shy to open my month and say anything in class to contribute more to that marks...and after an hour of class my mind just wanders off to another place so I don’t know what to ask. So back to the video presentation. I had to do a recording on my voice on the philosophy of death and got some pretty awesome pictures from Google to make my slides better. Once i was done I sent it to my friend to get her opinion and that didn't go well when it didn't play in my friends laptop, which I intended to use since my lap top doesn't have a battery I’d need to plug it in everywhere I go, so using hers would make it all easier. So after spending 4 days completing the slides and voice recording into a pretty video this shitty thing happened so like usual I panicked tried to find another solution which I didn't get so I just lugged my heavy ancient lap top to the lecturers’ office and thank god she kindly let me use her plug point, actually she also plugged it in for me without making me feel like a moron like I already felt.

I was having a real bad year to some things up, my  luck was shit so of course things were pretty bad for me sometimes and I guess it never go better. To list down the crappy things that has happen o this year would take another year to list *just saying* so when I got to my lecturers office I was pretty much all wound up, worried about whether I got my philosophies right or did I do what she expected me do and of course the nervousness of her looking at my video and awkwardly hearing my voice in a tiny room with 4 people in it wasn't helping me feel better at all. Turned out she loved my video because I did what she expected * apparently she mentioned certain criteria in one of the classes of how she expected a philosophical explanation to be like but I missed it yet I still did it without knowing this* and that got me the highest grade, and i got praises claps and yay’s so there i was blushing away.  I was so happy but it didn't end there cause then  i then had to do a defense on a topic she covered in class to prove that I was paying attention to her lectures even though I didn't open my  mouth in class to ask stuff. And since I planned on not doing the defense, it was impromptu, I had to figure something out and so I decided on the Meaning of Life because I remembered some points from it. But it didn't turn out good cause I got emotional and I started crying that I basically had a mini counselling session with her.

Yes I cried! Why? Cause I was going through so many bad things with shitty luck that while I was explaining this to her I started tearing up. I felt embarrassed one because there were two other people there that witnessed me being a cry baby until she told them to step outside awhile so that I can speak freely. I never went for counselling I only did it on people *practice* but never been to one so this was my first and I basically bawled in front of her explaining my shitty life I was going through and of course she was too kind, she listened to me and said things that meant a lot to me, gave me encouragement and told me that based  on what she heard in video, my voice, is strong person’s voice and that’s a voice of a confident women an d then she added if I ever needed to speak to someone that she would always be here for me to speak to. Boy oh boy I felt like I released the heaviest part of me out, and it felt good. So this is why I would advice, no I ENCOURAGE that people, if you have problems don’t keep it in find someone supportive and tell to out or seek count selling service it is a great help. I never thought that I would end up being counselled that I would only be counselling people but I guess I have a different mind set now.

To depend, I Dont Want To

I hate depending on people. 23 years of my life there is always the need for me to depend on someone and i hate it ! I want to be dependent and trust me I've tried and im still trying but its just not working. One minute i'll be free and the next im needing support. This sucks !!! The situation i get myself into makes me depend on people especially my brother, although he doesn't complain I know im a pain in the ass when he complains about how he has to go through some problems/changes that is obviously because of me and i get so guilty for doing it. And since last year with my loan fund being exhausted i added a worry to his list worries hmphh... and of course to lessen the burden i only took 2 subjects to one subject per semester which lead me into extending another two semester which means i'll only be done by April next year *excluding my thesis, which i would only be done middle of next year* instead of finishing this semester if i didn't screw up my loan fund last year. I feel so miserable to think that most of my friend are done and will be done and moving on with their lives *and not depending on people* while i cover up & complete what my stupidity has caused. 

I wish I could make things better again *time machine to borrow anyone ?* but im helpless, i cant even help myself so hopefully things get better. Holding on to the saying that time gets better *when it actually doesn't* I'll be optimistic and just stuff myself with food and pretend everything is fine :)

Strength ? Where'd You go ?

Sometimes we keep hoping things would get better, and when it don't we just give up. This is what i have been doing and someone I feel the same as i did before, nothing has changed. I still feel useless and i still have to face so many heartsick and brain-sick things. So acknowledging your problems and not doing so still ends up the same. So what am i suppose to do now ? I tried changing things and things don't work out after so much of trying and when i think its time to go with flow and just give up for a while things still don't change so WHAT DO I DO ???

There is always the never ending money problems that gets thrown at my face every time someone brings up the financial situation in the family since im the big cause of it. I know it was my stupidity to get my much needed loan exhausted last year but I wasn't stupid to do it on purpose and of course the elders never believed that. The think i purposely failed and purposely want to stay and study and rot in that stinking college i hate so much. Every time i look at my brother for fathers face when I ask them money for my fees a part of literally dies, thinking about how they would need to get the money for me. I know they're okay with it but it doesn't make it easier for me knowing that they're working hard or losing something to get the money. I just want to tell them i quit but i cant. I promised myself to take care of my father and pay my brother & uncle back for so willingly giving me the money when i needed it. So that's exactly what im going to do, though it wont be soon since i cant take more then 2 subjects per semester so its gonna take a while but i'll get there.... eventually.

Peace...is all i want

Day by day, I feel like giving up. I just want to but there is just so much stopping me but encouraging me to give up as well. I don’t know how to balance that out yet but I hope I will. Nothing is getting better. Everything seems to be bad or getting worse. Sometimes I see that tiny light of hope and the next second it’s gone. It like I’m not meant to have a problem free time, and I’m so sick of it. I worry so much that I put myself under pressure and the best part off all is I have to act like nothing is wrong and it’s getting harder and I don’t know how long I’m going to have to pretend that everything is perfect or everything is going to be alright when deep down I know nothing is going to change. I’m still going to go through the same problems in college, the same problems with my parents & other relationships and the same personal problems that never seem to end and I’m so tied. I’m tired of thinking about my family and worrying about them constantly, I’m so worried about my financial situation with my Dad’s retirement, I’m so worried about my disgusting results, whether or  to anyone would want to hire me with such ridiculous results and so much more.

All I want to do is just run. Running away is never the answer but what if it is for me? I just need to get away from everyone and just be on my own, and to leave behind all those worries that’s constantly running through my mind 24/7. But of course running away means I need a load of money which obviously I don’t have so maybe this is why running is not my answer.

I would just want one day...just one day to let myself let go of everything and just empty my thoughts.....

Guess that’s never going to happen too....Life definitely sucks ...